I decided that it was important for me this April to go into my son's classrooms to talk to their classmates about Autism. I chose age appropriate books as the base of my talk with them, and I printed out a blank Autism Awareness ribbon coloring sheet for the first graders (this is the class my son Ryan, who has Autism, is in) and a fill in the blank worksheet for the fifth graders to fill out while I talked. When I arrived at the school, they called Eric to pick me up in the office. He was a little nervous and embarassed for me to be talking to his class, but he was also excited. I arrived in the class and Eric's teacher had him introduce me and tell his classmates why I was there. Mr. O, the teacher, asked the class "How many of you know someone with Autism?" A fair amount of children raised their hands, probably about 40% of the class. Then a little girl spoke up and said "I have Autism". All eyes turned to her in surprise. None of the children had known previously, and since she has a fairly mild form, no one had seemed to notice. I was touched that she felt comfortable with my presence there to share this information. Mr. O asked again, with a smile on his face, "NOW how many of you know someone with Autism?" The entire class raised their hands. I had Eric pass out the worksheets as I made my way to the front of the class. I began by asking the children if they had any questions before I started. Of course there were many questions, but what impressed me was the quality of the questions! They were really thinking about this topic and asking very smart and mature questions. "Can you get Autism when you go through puberty?" was my favorite question. There were two children who had siblings with Autism who offered insight, which I so appreciated. The little girl with Autism shared some information about what it's like having Autism and she told me about how she uses Echolalia at home, but she's not sure why. She said she "just likes it". This was special for me to hear, because perhaps when Ryan does it, he's doing it just because he likes it; not because of another potentially negative reason. Who knows :) She then asked me if puberty was going to be harder for someone with Autism. I was very moved that she wanted to ask that, however it is not a topic I am familiar with yet, nor am I the right one to talk to her about it!! So I recommended she and her mother go to the library and get books on it. Over all I was BEYOND thrilled with those fifth graders. They were smart, attentive and open minded. This is why it's so important for our children's futures that they are educated on diversity of all kinds at this young age.
Next I went to Ryan's classroom. I have been there before to read and I must say, the kids are particularly fond of me. I think it's because I bought Ryan a pet snake and they all think that is totally cool. I walked in to a chorus of "IT'S RYAN'S MOM!" and "HI RYAN'S MOM!". It was hearwarming. I sat in front of them and asked them if they had ever heard of the word Autism. One boy raised his hand and said "I've heard of it but I don't know what it means". I read the book called "Some Kids have Autism" and then asked the children if they had any questions. Boy, this was a different group than the fifth graders!! HA HA HA One little girl who was wearing glasses said "I think I have Autism in my eyes because I can't see very well." How can you not smile at that? They were also concerned with HOW do you get Autism? It was hard to explain to them but I assured them that kids with Autism are born that way and they can not 'catch' Autism. Ryan was very happy and comfortable talking about it and shared many comments with the class. They did not seem to look at him differently and many almost seemed bummed that they couldn't 'have Autism, too'. I then had Ryan help me pass out the Autism Awareness Ribbon coloring page and they were excited to color it. A couple of the little girls gave me their sheets, which was quite moving. The little girl in the glasses wrote on hers (after asking my name) "Amanda is Ryan's mom and she is osum, Ryan is osum too". I about died. :)
I also sent a letter home with all the children letting their parents know that I was there and what I had talked about with the kids. I provided my information in case there were any parents that had further questions or to let them know that there is support available should they, or someone they know, need it. Overall, it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life and I am DEFINITELY doing it again. I would love to begin a reading program to visit all the classrooms in all the school district. But...I'll start with one class at a time :)
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Medication
Many people have talked about medication for symptoms of Autism. There is medication for behaviors, attention and many other issues that can be related to Autism, including seizures and gastrointestinal issues. My son's situation has thusfar never required any medication, which I've been thankful for. I don't like using medication (for myself or my children) any more than absolutely necessary. However, after the visit with the neuropsychologist, I've had to rethink my stance on medication.
She recommended that Ryan begin taking Adderall for his extreme attention issues. She thought that it would help bring his attention to a more manageable level. I was concerned with side effects and she explained the possibilities very clearly. These included appetite loss and emotional distress on the short term and decreased blood pressure on the long term. All of these things can be reduced or stopped completely with the discontinuation of the medication. I decided to take the risk and try out the medication.
We started this past Saturday (3 days ago). So far I haven't noticed any negative issues but he does seem to be speaking more clearly and correctly. Today is the first day at school and I'm excited to see how it goes. One mother told me that her son reacted very well at home but school became overly stressful while on medication.
The hardest thing about knowing what paths to take regarding treatments, etc with children with Autism is that they all have such different needs and react differently to everything. Because something worked (or didn't work) for one child doesn't mean it won't work (or will work) for your child. It's all a big trial and error method of parenting...well, more than normal :)
She recommended that Ryan begin taking Adderall for his extreme attention issues. She thought that it would help bring his attention to a more manageable level. I was concerned with side effects and she explained the possibilities very clearly. These included appetite loss and emotional distress on the short term and decreased blood pressure on the long term. All of these things can be reduced or stopped completely with the discontinuation of the medication. I decided to take the risk and try out the medication.
We started this past Saturday (3 days ago). So far I haven't noticed any negative issues but he does seem to be speaking more clearly and correctly. Today is the first day at school and I'm excited to see how it goes. One mother told me that her son reacted very well at home but school became overly stressful while on medication.
The hardest thing about knowing what paths to take regarding treatments, etc with children with Autism is that they all have such different needs and react differently to everything. Because something worked (or didn't work) for one child doesn't mean it won't work (or will work) for your child. It's all a big trial and error method of parenting...well, more than normal :)
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Introductions
Today we were doing a photo shoot for our Faces of Autism campaign and a fellow Autism Mom was there with her daughter and her son with Autism. Her daughter is around Ryan's age and is very cute. Ryan noticed and wanted to talk to her. He asked her mother if he could talk to her (the ultimate gentleman!! lol), then proceed to ask her what her name is, (with prompting) offer her his name, and awkwardly sticking his hand out to shake her hand. He concluded with a "It's nice to meet you".
I couldn't help but cry.
Ryan was trying so hard to perform the correct social duties. He wants to know the proper ways of doing these things, even though they are very challenging for him. He wants to have nice manners, say the right thing and do things 'just like everyone else'. It makes me cry for two reasons. One is happy and one is sad. It makes me cry out of happiness that he is growing, developing, and he WANTS to learn these social nuances that are so hard for him to understand. It makes me sad because it IS such a challenge for him. It was painful and awkward to watch him thinking through every movement, every word, searching for the right thing to do next. It's almost like he was talking to himself internally, going through this step by step, like we do in therapy.
We take for granted simple things such as extending a hand to someone when we first meet them, or casually saying 'nice to meet you!'. For Ryan, this is a step by step process that he has to be aware of all the time. But what makes me so proud is that he is doing it on his own now. I didn't prompt him to introduce himself. He WANTED to know her name and to meet her. Take THAT Autism!!
I couldn't help but cry.
Ryan was trying so hard to perform the correct social duties. He wants to know the proper ways of doing these things, even though they are very challenging for him. He wants to have nice manners, say the right thing and do things 'just like everyone else'. It makes me cry for two reasons. One is happy and one is sad. It makes me cry out of happiness that he is growing, developing, and he WANTS to learn these social nuances that are so hard for him to understand. It makes me sad because it IS such a challenge for him. It was painful and awkward to watch him thinking through every movement, every word, searching for the right thing to do next. It's almost like he was talking to himself internally, going through this step by step, like we do in therapy.
We take for granted simple things such as extending a hand to someone when we first meet them, or casually saying 'nice to meet you!'. For Ryan, this is a step by step process that he has to be aware of all the time. But what makes me so proud is that he is doing it on his own now. I didn't prompt him to introduce himself. He WANTED to know her name and to meet her. Take THAT Autism!!
Friday, March 4, 2011
The War on Food
Ahhh, food issues.
I know virtually every child with Autism has one food issue or another (or all of them!) but that doesn't make it any easier for my child. He has done food therapy, which has helped; primarily with helping us to deal with it, rather than help him eat more! But he still is stuck on the same few foods he's always eaten. He won't eat any vegetables. He'll eat a couple fruits (applesauce, apples, bananas and grapes) but won't explore new fruit options such as melons, oranges, berries, etc. Meat has to be prepared a certain way and typically if it's cut into pieces, he'll eat it with ketchup. But trying casseroles of any type are out of the question. He has just recently began using taco shells when we have tacos, whereas before he would simply eat the taco meat with a spoon. He loves any sugar and candy and chocolate.
I continue to try to give Ryan options on what he can eat besides these basic foods he's grown so comfortable with but he refuses. It can be hard during the holidays when a holdiday meal is prepared and Ryan won't eat one thing on the table.
I know virtually every child with Autism has one food issue or another (or all of them!) but that doesn't make it any easier for my child. He has done food therapy, which has helped; primarily with helping us to deal with it, rather than help him eat more! But he still is stuck on the same few foods he's always eaten. He won't eat any vegetables. He'll eat a couple fruits (applesauce, apples, bananas and grapes) but won't explore new fruit options such as melons, oranges, berries, etc. Meat has to be prepared a certain way and typically if it's cut into pieces, he'll eat it with ketchup. But trying casseroles of any type are out of the question. He has just recently began using taco shells when we have tacos, whereas before he would simply eat the taco meat with a spoon. He loves any sugar and candy and chocolate.
I continue to try to give Ryan options on what he can eat besides these basic foods he's grown so comfortable with but he refuses. It can be hard during the holidays when a holdiday meal is prepared and Ryan won't eat one thing on the table.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Neuropsych Results
I received Ryan's results from the Neuropsych today. I have mixed emotions. Now, I already met with her to discuss the results so there isn't any major shock however, reading the results on paper, in black and white...
It hits a nerve.
It makes it REAL.
It sounds so clinical.
It makes him seem so....
AUTISTIC.
I'd like to share with you some of the things that were written in this evlauation. Partly to help clarify my feelings to myself, as well as so that you may understand Autism and Ryan better.
"On examination...it was initially very difficult to get his attention. I approached him in the lobby and he was watching TV. I had to call his name several times in order for him to look away from the television and engage eye contact. He initially seemed confused or perplexed. A few moments after I introduced myself, it was as if things suddenly clicked for Ryan and he initiated an introduction. He appeared rather scripted and intrusive with respect to personal space in doing so, but clearly this is a skill he has been working on. Very shortly into the interview, he began interrupting his mother to tell me things. ...he often repeated back fragments of the questions that had been presented to him. He was also heard underneath his breath repeating some of the words that either his mother or I had used in conversation. Thus, echolalia was quite prominent. Ryan's play seemed as if he was in his own world and seemed to center around scenes or themes from favorite cartoons, TV shows, movies, etc. Nonetheless, he would take breaks from this activity to share stories or engage our attention in some way. When he did, his comments were seemingly random. When he did try to tell a story, it was very difficult to follow him. His discourse was choppy and disjointed. Mild articulation difficulties were appreciated. He showed poor appreciation of figurative speech, irony and humor. Ryan appeared to have a hard time understanding even basic questions. Ryan's spontaneous speech was much better. Overall, Ryan appeared to be a little boy who was largely lost in basic conversation."
sob sob sob
"Emotion regulation and sensory issues appeared particularly prominent. At one point, Ryan bent down and was huffing and tearful. When asked what was wrong, he commented that his pants would not stay tucked into his boots. He was told that he could take off his boots if he wanted to. He immediately kicked off his boots and then when the examiner asked if he felt better after taking off his boots off he seemed to get more frustrated and angry."
"Ryan did seem to want to please the examiner, but he seemed to have difficulty following instructions."
"There was occasionally the sense that he might be tryuing to be directly oppositiona but for the most part Ryan seemed to simply have a hard time complying with what was being asked of him. He usually knew when to say he was sorry for inappropriate behavior. It was interesting that on one occasion while the examiner was waiting for him to answer a question he asked her if she was mad. This suggest some difficulties with accurate reading of nonverbals."
"The Wisconsin Card Sorting Test was attempted, but was discontinued due to poor effort and Ryan's frustration level becoming too high."
"Ryan's performance on force choice questions was impaired as well, suggesting that much of the information was simply not processed or registered."
"Neuropsychological data are suspected of underestimating this bou's intellecual abilities. Ryan's emotional reactivity made it very difficult to know if we were fully getting his best effort throught the course of the assessment. What does seem quite likely based on data and history is that this is a boy who continues to struggle in the verbal domain."
"Ryan strugges with organization of information and planning."
Recommendations from Dr. Amy:
1. Continued therapy.
2. Continued IEP services.
3. Stimulant medication for attention disorder.
4. Continued monitoring of Ryan's cognitive development.
It hits a nerve.
It makes it REAL.
It sounds so clinical.
It makes him seem so....
AUTISTIC.
I'd like to share with you some of the things that were written in this evlauation. Partly to help clarify my feelings to myself, as well as so that you may understand Autism and Ryan better.
"On examination...it was initially very difficult to get his attention. I approached him in the lobby and he was watching TV. I had to call his name several times in order for him to look away from the television and engage eye contact. He initially seemed confused or perplexed. A few moments after I introduced myself, it was as if things suddenly clicked for Ryan and he initiated an introduction. He appeared rather scripted and intrusive with respect to personal space in doing so, but clearly this is a skill he has been working on. Very shortly into the interview, he began interrupting his mother to tell me things. ...he often repeated back fragments of the questions that had been presented to him. He was also heard underneath his breath repeating some of the words that either his mother or I had used in conversation. Thus, echolalia was quite prominent. Ryan's play seemed as if he was in his own world and seemed to center around scenes or themes from favorite cartoons, TV shows, movies, etc. Nonetheless, he would take breaks from this activity to share stories or engage our attention in some way. When he did, his comments were seemingly random. When he did try to tell a story, it was very difficult to follow him. His discourse was choppy and disjointed. Mild articulation difficulties were appreciated. He showed poor appreciation of figurative speech, irony and humor. Ryan appeared to have a hard time understanding even basic questions. Ryan's spontaneous speech was much better. Overall, Ryan appeared to be a little boy who was largely lost in basic conversation."
sob sob sob
"Emotion regulation and sensory issues appeared particularly prominent. At one point, Ryan bent down and was huffing and tearful. When asked what was wrong, he commented that his pants would not stay tucked into his boots. He was told that he could take off his boots if he wanted to. He immediately kicked off his boots and then when the examiner asked if he felt better after taking off his boots off he seemed to get more frustrated and angry."
"Ryan did seem to want to please the examiner, but he seemed to have difficulty following instructions."
"There was occasionally the sense that he might be tryuing to be directly oppositiona but for the most part Ryan seemed to simply have a hard time complying with what was being asked of him. He usually knew when to say he was sorry for inappropriate behavior. It was interesting that on one occasion while the examiner was waiting for him to answer a question he asked her if she was mad. This suggest some difficulties with accurate reading of nonverbals."
"The Wisconsin Card Sorting Test was attempted, but was discontinued due to poor effort and Ryan's frustration level becoming too high."
"Ryan's performance on force choice questions was impaired as well, suggesting that much of the information was simply not processed or registered."
"Neuropsychological data are suspected of underestimating this bou's intellecual abilities. Ryan's emotional reactivity made it very difficult to know if we were fully getting his best effort throught the course of the assessment. What does seem quite likely based on data and history is that this is a boy who continues to struggle in the verbal domain."
"Ryan strugges with organization of information and planning."
Recommendations from Dr. Amy:
1. Continued therapy.
2. Continued IEP services.
3. Stimulant medication for attention disorder.
4. Continued monitoring of Ryan's cognitive development.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Initial Diagnosis to Neuropsych
'Pediatric neuropsychology is a professional specialty concerned with learning and behavior in relationship to a child's brain. A pediatric neuropsychologist is a licensed psychologist with expertise in how learning and behavior are associated with the development of brain structures and systems. Children are referred by a doctor, teacher, school psychologist or other professional because of one or more problems such as: difficulty in learning, attention, behavior, socialization or emotional control; a disease or inborn developmental problem that affects the brain in some way; or a brain injury from an accident, birth trauma, or other physical stress. A neuropsychological evaluation assista in better understanding your child's functioning in areas such as memory, attention, perception, coordination, language and personality. This information will help provide treatments and interventions that will help meet a child's unique needs.' (taken from www.div40.org)
I was recommended by Ryan's Speech and Occupational therapists to have an evaluation done by a neuropsych. When I was in the process of having Ryan diagnosed, I was very unfamiliar with what to do. I had been hearing for years that he was 'fine' and that 'boys are slow, he'll catch up' but I knew in my heart that wasn't the case. When his behaviors and lack of speech got to a point where I couldn't wait any longer, I took him to a speech therapist...to me, he wasn't speaking so it was logical. I am thankful for this decision because I found the most amazing people there who have helped me and Ryan in this journey. While we were doing the initial evaluation of Ryan for his speech problems, they noticed that there was a lot more going on than a spech delay. They recommended me to see an Autism specialist. I was scared, alone, embarassed, nervous, all the feelings one would expect walking in that doctor's office. The doctor gave me a ton of paperwork to fill out and then spent around 15 minutes with Ryan in a tiny, uncomfortable room. At the end of it he told me "Ryan has Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified. It's a form of Autism. He'll be labeled as having educational Autism so he can have services at school."........ and he walked out the door.
Um...excuse me?? What the HELL do I do now?!?!?! He gave me virtually no information. He didn't give me any leads on where to get information on my own. He basically left me to figure it out on my own. I didn't know where to turn. And the problem here, is that this happens to SO MANY parents. This is NOT the abnormality. It's the norm.
Thank goodness I had such amazing people who recognized me, my needs and Ryan's needs and have been there every step of the way. At first, I wasn't ready to learn. I wasn't ready to accept. Ryan's speech and OT taught me, without pushing me, that everything is going to be okay. And as I grew, they offered me more and more information. Then Fate stepped in and allowed me to meet a wonderful friend who introduced me to the Autism Support Group. From there it's been a whirlwind of growth and an explosion of information.
So, based upon the recommendation of Ryan's therapists (who have never steered me wrong) I took Ryan for some more formal testing. This probably should have been done 4 years ago with his diagnosis. But no one told me about it. I didn't know it was an option. And really...I probably wouldn't have been ready for it then.
I went to Neuropsychology Associates for an initial interview. I met Dr. Amy Meidinger. We spoke about Ryan. I explained everything from before diagnosis, through diagnosis and the time since. We spoke about problems, issues, joys, and everything else that makes Ryan 'Ryan'. After this appointment, we scheduled a full day for Ryan to come back in for testing. I was full of excitment, hope and tons of fear. What was this going to mean? Would it change anything? Would I found out things I don't really want to know? What if they were wrong before and he doesn't have PDD-NOS but something else?
I brought Ryan back a week later for his testing. He woke up in a terrible mood, which is abnormal, but figures! It's going to be a long, challenging day. He wants nothing to do with the routine change of not riding the bus to school, going somewhere he's unfamiliar and being separated from me once we get there. I just pray he does well enough so they can get accurate results. He got one break for lunch...so I took him to McDonald's playland. He did NOT want to go back there. I could hear him through the door; frustrated, angry, confused... I wanted to help him, I wanted to tell them how to ask him the questions differently so he understood easier, I wanted to just wisk him out of there and make him happy. But I couldn't. I shouldn't. We need these results to help him better in the long run.
When 6 hours of testing were finally over, I got to take my exhausted baby home, with the intent to return in two weeks. The results that I received were not overly shocking (thank goodness) but they were sobering. Ryan does in fact have PDD-NOS. He also has an attention disorder which is contributing to his issues. He is smart but easily frustrated and distracted. Dr. Amy believes we are doing the right things for Ryan and encourages us to continue. Overall, I am pleased...until she recommends putting Ryan on medication for his attention issues. WOW. Really? Okay... this is new. No one has ever mentioned medication before. What kind? What would it do? Are there side effects? How long do they take to work? Will it alter his mood or personality? I had so many questions come spilling into my mind, swirling around, scaring me.
Deep breath. She said to talk to Ryan's pediatrician (who is AMAZING, by the way) and get more information. I also wanted to talk to my fellow mothers, get their opinions. After all, they are the ones who live with these things, just like I do.
Well...opinions of my peers is that it doesn't hurt to get information, talk to the doctor and give the medication a shot. If we don't like it, quit. Simple. So that is the path I am taking moving forward. I am still in the process, so that will be discussed further down the road.
Bottom line: I'm so thankful to have advocates for both myself and Ryan. In my personal life and within the professionals we work with. What an amazing community.
I was recommended by Ryan's Speech and Occupational therapists to have an evaluation done by a neuropsych. When I was in the process of having Ryan diagnosed, I was very unfamiliar with what to do. I had been hearing for years that he was 'fine' and that 'boys are slow, he'll catch up' but I knew in my heart that wasn't the case. When his behaviors and lack of speech got to a point where I couldn't wait any longer, I took him to a speech therapist...to me, he wasn't speaking so it was logical. I am thankful for this decision because I found the most amazing people there who have helped me and Ryan in this journey. While we were doing the initial evaluation of Ryan for his speech problems, they noticed that there was a lot more going on than a spech delay. They recommended me to see an Autism specialist. I was scared, alone, embarassed, nervous, all the feelings one would expect walking in that doctor's office. The doctor gave me a ton of paperwork to fill out and then spent around 15 minutes with Ryan in a tiny, uncomfortable room. At the end of it he told me "Ryan has Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified. It's a form of Autism. He'll be labeled as having educational Autism so he can have services at school."........ and he walked out the door.
Um...excuse me?? What the HELL do I do now?!?!?! He gave me virtually no information. He didn't give me any leads on where to get information on my own. He basically left me to figure it out on my own. I didn't know where to turn. And the problem here, is that this happens to SO MANY parents. This is NOT the abnormality. It's the norm.
Thank goodness I had such amazing people who recognized me, my needs and Ryan's needs and have been there every step of the way. At first, I wasn't ready to learn. I wasn't ready to accept. Ryan's speech and OT taught me, without pushing me, that everything is going to be okay. And as I grew, they offered me more and more information. Then Fate stepped in and allowed me to meet a wonderful friend who introduced me to the Autism Support Group. From there it's been a whirlwind of growth and an explosion of information.
So, based upon the recommendation of Ryan's therapists (who have never steered me wrong) I took Ryan for some more formal testing. This probably should have been done 4 years ago with his diagnosis. But no one told me about it. I didn't know it was an option. And really...I probably wouldn't have been ready for it then.
I went to Neuropsychology Associates for an initial interview. I met Dr. Amy Meidinger. We spoke about Ryan. I explained everything from before diagnosis, through diagnosis and the time since. We spoke about problems, issues, joys, and everything else that makes Ryan 'Ryan'. After this appointment, we scheduled a full day for Ryan to come back in for testing. I was full of excitment, hope and tons of fear. What was this going to mean? Would it change anything? Would I found out things I don't really want to know? What if they were wrong before and he doesn't have PDD-NOS but something else?
I brought Ryan back a week later for his testing. He woke up in a terrible mood, which is abnormal, but figures! It's going to be a long, challenging day. He wants nothing to do with the routine change of not riding the bus to school, going somewhere he's unfamiliar and being separated from me once we get there. I just pray he does well enough so they can get accurate results. He got one break for lunch...so I took him to McDonald's playland. He did NOT want to go back there. I could hear him through the door; frustrated, angry, confused... I wanted to help him, I wanted to tell them how to ask him the questions differently so he understood easier, I wanted to just wisk him out of there and make him happy. But I couldn't. I shouldn't. We need these results to help him better in the long run.
When 6 hours of testing were finally over, I got to take my exhausted baby home, with the intent to return in two weeks. The results that I received were not overly shocking (thank goodness) but they were sobering. Ryan does in fact have PDD-NOS. He also has an attention disorder which is contributing to his issues. He is smart but easily frustrated and distracted. Dr. Amy believes we are doing the right things for Ryan and encourages us to continue. Overall, I am pleased...until she recommends putting Ryan on medication for his attention issues. WOW. Really? Okay... this is new. No one has ever mentioned medication before. What kind? What would it do? Are there side effects? How long do they take to work? Will it alter his mood or personality? I had so many questions come spilling into my mind, swirling around, scaring me.
Deep breath. She said to talk to Ryan's pediatrician (who is AMAZING, by the way) and get more information. I also wanted to talk to my fellow mothers, get their opinions. After all, they are the ones who live with these things, just like I do.
Well...opinions of my peers is that it doesn't hurt to get information, talk to the doctor and give the medication a shot. If we don't like it, quit. Simple. So that is the path I am taking moving forward. I am still in the process, so that will be discussed further down the road.
Bottom line: I'm so thankful to have advocates for both myself and Ryan. In my personal life and within the professionals we work with. What an amazing community.
Parenting
As parents we try to do everything we can for our children. We make decisions daily that may determine who they become, where they will go in their life, how they will view themselves...and it can be overwhelming. Sometimes parenting is the biggest joy in my life but there are times it's the biggest burden, too. It's a burden because of the huge weight that rests on my shoulders. Who thought I was qualifed to do this job, anyways?? Who gave me the right to teach what little I know to these perfect little babies?
I've made many poor choices in my life. Some are bigger than others, but they all result in a worry about how it's affected or is affecting my children. Especially Ryan. I always wonder if I'm doing enough for him, if I have made the right decisions, if I am following the proper paths to ensure that he is able to grow to his full potential. And I know that there are times I fail at this.
The other day, Ryan had gotten into trouble because of his violent behavior towards his sister Clara. He was sitting on the couch pouting when I heard him mumble something. I said "What, Ryan?" and he repeated louder "You're a bad mom".
gasp.
Did he really just say that to me?
(tears)
"Please go to your room, Ryan".
(more tears)
What did I do wrong? Why did he say that? He's never said that in all his 7 1/2 years. I know he was upset because I had gotten angry with him but...did he really mean that? Am I a bad mom?
I know (hope) he didn't really mean that. But it's the first in probably a long list of times where I am going to feel like a complete failure as a mother.
BUT...today is a new day.
I've made many poor choices in my life. Some are bigger than others, but they all result in a worry about how it's affected or is affecting my children. Especially Ryan. I always wonder if I'm doing enough for him, if I have made the right decisions, if I am following the proper paths to ensure that he is able to grow to his full potential. And I know that there are times I fail at this.
The other day, Ryan had gotten into trouble because of his violent behavior towards his sister Clara. He was sitting on the couch pouting when I heard him mumble something. I said "What, Ryan?" and he repeated louder "You're a bad mom".
gasp.
Did he really just say that to me?
(tears)
"Please go to your room, Ryan".
(more tears)
What did I do wrong? Why did he say that? He's never said that in all his 7 1/2 years. I know he was upset because I had gotten angry with him but...did he really mean that? Am I a bad mom?
I know (hope) he didn't really mean that. But it's the first in probably a long list of times where I am going to feel like a complete failure as a mother.
BUT...today is a new day.
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