Ryan spent the weekend with his dad, Casey. He and I were talking today about a few things regarding Ryan, and he said "Oh, there was a story I forgot to tell you. We were on our way to my parent's house and Ryan asked me out of nowhere, 'Dad, what's Autism?'". I asked Casey how he responded and he replied "Well, buddy, it's when a person learns differently than other people" and Ryan said "I have Autism, right, Dad?" Casey said "Yes you do, buddy", to which Ryan said "Oh, okay".
I can't tell this story without crying. He is growing up. He is becoming AWARE. To some, this isn't a big deal, but to a child on the spectrum...it's what can set him/her apart from other children. To my son, he hasn't always noticed what is going on around him. He doesn't look out the window and wonder what people are up to, or where they are going. He sits and tells his Lego Woody doll all the lines from Toy Story 3. So to have a moment where he seems so CONNECTED...its priceless. But then again, it scares me to my core.
Knowing that he has Autism, does that mean he knows he's different? Do the other kids in his class notice? Do they tease him? Does he KNOW that they are teasing him? Do they take advantage of him? All these fears are swirling in my head. I want to protect him. I want to sheild him from this horrible world. I want him to know, to his core, that he is the most special, beautiful amazing person ever to grace this world. I want him to know that he is MORE than Autism; he is Ryan.
But more than any of that, I want the world to know...to know that he IS amazing, beautiful, perfect in all the ways that it is flawed. He doesn't hate, or hurt, or look down upon you. He hugs you and loves you and wants your love back. Please, World...Please don't hurt my baby. He doesn't deserve it.
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Amanda sweet Amanda...I cry as I read your blog today...not out of saddness or pity, but because you are raising such a wonderful, honest, curious little boy. I know the word "Autism" can be scary for us, but remember we need to show our babies that this is a word to be PROUD of...I think Ryan gets that. And if he doesnt get it know...he will shortly.
ReplyDeleteJust the other day I was wearing a necklace with the autism symbol on it...Allbri pointed to it and said "neclis" (necklace) and I told her it was a autism necklace. I said..."I wear this for you. You have autism." She says back "ausm neclis"....I must admit, at first I felt "odd" telling her this, but, she does have autism and I am damn proud.
I know you are proud also!! I see it when you two are together...and when your not with him. Your a proud mama of all your children, but the gleam in your eyes when you talk about Ryan is pricless! I love you....keep up the awesome job!
I am not sure why I never noticed this comment before but I'm just crying as I read it now. Thank you, Christine. It means so much to me. Ryan is my first born, which gives him a special place in my heart anyway, but because of his special needs...and his perfect, amazing personality...he just amazes me. That comment about Allbri and the necklace is just PERFECT. and you're right. It's kind of uncomfortable but it's also empowering to teach our kids that they have Autism but they also ROCK. :)
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