Yogi Bear

The local theater shows a movie once a month for kids with special needs. They call it "Reel Movies for Real Needs". It's a great thing. They don't dim the lights as much, the sound is quieter, all the families "get it"...it's a time for the kids who sometimes have issues sitting through a movie at a theater can learn to adjust to things that might bother them.

Last weekend we went to the 'Reel Movie' showing and they played the new Yogi Bear movie. I took Ryan and Eric with me. I bought the boys the little kids deal they have which includes popcorn, a candy and a pop. We sat in a row with a friend of mine and her son, so Ryan was 3 seats away from me. About half way through the movie, he walked over to me and asked to sit with me. (On a side note: while most mothers are sad that their 7 year old won't even let them kiss them in public cause it's embarrassing or gross or whatever, I revel in the fact that Ryan LOVES kissing me, hugging me and yes, still sitting on my lap) I asked him if he was okay because I was worried something was bothering him. He said "I want to sit with you so I don't eat so much".

So we watched the rest of the movie together. There was one part where Yogi and friends realize that they are going to cut down all the trees for logging. Ryan turned to me and whispered "I don't want them to cut down all those trees". He seemed very concerned. I said "I don't either" and he responded by saying "Those trees would be so sad to be cut down". It actually brought a tear to my eye. The compassion and love my son has for things is amazing. Sometimes that love is directed toward a toy or book. Sometimes a person or a place. But the pure and true LOVE that he is capable of is astounding to me. I wish everyone could love as much as he does, espcially the simple things. Our world would be a little less "Jersey Shore" and a lot more real. <3

Routines....

This morning my alarm didn't go off. Ryan and Eric missed the school bus and I had to bring them to school. Everything was fine until we pulled to the front of the school and I walked the boys inside. When I was talking to the office lady, Ryan was standing there hanging his head. As we walked toward his classroom, a little girl I recognized from his class walked by on her way to the bathroom and said "Hi Ryan!!" I was thrilled by this because that means that she likes him but when he didn't respond to her I told him that it's rude not to say hi back to someone and that he didn't want to hurt her feelings by ignoring her. I hate to admit it, but I also don't want him to be disliked because he doesn't understand the 'social norms'. He gave a loud sigh and hung his head again. We got to his locker and I waited for him to start removing his winter stuff and backback. He just stood there; staring at the lockers. I knelt down and put my hand on his back. He started crying. I took off his backpack and helped him remove his hat, gloves and coat. He was trying so hard to fight back the tears, but they won. He gave me a big hug and cried into my shoulder. His teacher came out and said "Hi Ryan, are you feeling better?" (He missed school on Friday due to illness) He grumpily looked at her and said "yes". I explained to her that he was having a little trouble adjusting to the change in the routine and I'd send him in after he had regained control. He asked me to help him wipe his eyes off and he kept saying "they're still wet!" because he was still crying....my heart ached. My stomach hurt. I was pissed off. Not at Ryan. But at Autism. WHY is it so hard for my son to change a routine like this? Some kids might LOVE the chance for mom to take them to school instead of riding the bus. Some kids like the routine to be changed up once in awhile. Not Ryan. He likes...no, he THRIVES when things are exactly the same all the time. I wish for him that the world worked like that. I wish we could map out every day so that he never had to feel that chaos in his body, in his mind. I will probably never understand why it's so difficult for him. And I'll never be able to fully help him through those times. And that sucks. All I can do for him is hug him, wipe his tears away as many times as he needs me to and just know that he'll be fine in a few minutes. And buy a second alarm clock.

Thanksgiving

Today I am so thankful for many things. I am thankful for my son Ryan (all my children of course, but this blog is mostly about him) and really, I am thankful for his Autism. This may be shocking (maybe not) but there are so many times I am just HAPPY that he is who he is. Ryan has overcome so many things...and he doesn't even know that. He doesn't realize that some kids have an easier time with things. He doesn't realize that he is so smart and funny. He doesn't realize that he's my hero.
Ryan wakes up every morning smiling and happy; ready to greet the day. He asks me what he's doing that day and doesn't dwell on the hurt or disappointment of yesterday (many of us could take a lesson from this). He gets excited over things most people take for granted. He is gracious and thankful without meaning to be...he just IS. To Ryan, a hug or a kiss is a wonderful gift. Ryan doesn't care about how many toys he has or if he gets the latest gadget for Christmas. He is truly happy. He is the sunshine to my soul when I have a dark day.
Ryan struggles with social situations. He has a hard time placing himself in other people's shoes. He tells me that sharing is "boring". He has great difficulty in letting his little sister play with any toy of his. When things don't go how he expects them to or wants them to he will have a meltdown. But these challenges make him strong. They make me strong.
I owe Autism a thank you.
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to love a child that opens my eyes to a new perspective every single day. Thank you for giving me more patience than I ever thought I could have. Thank you for bringing me close to other families who have children with Autism- those people have enriched my life in a way I could never fully describe and have been the backbone of support I've needed when I thought I can't make it through one more day. Thank you for helping me gain an understanding for those who are "different" that I wouldn't have had otherwise. Thank you for showing me that those "differences" are what make this world beautiful. Thank you, Autism. You may kick me down, spit in my face and tear my heart apart some days...but when I stand up again, I'm stronger. I'm a better mother because of you. And I thank you.

Music & Music Therapy

Music has always been something that has connected with Ryan. I think a lot of children who have special needs connect well with music because they don't have to think about it, they don't have to answer to it, the music doesn't bug them or ask them to "say this, do that", it just lets them FEEL. And there isn't ever anything wrong with that.
Ryan has been in Music Therapy for a long time now. When we began it was in my home, and I was a part of it, participating with him. But for the last several months, he's been going to MT at a clinic and I don't go in with him. Two weeks ago as I was dropping him off, I decided to stay and see how things have been going and what sorts of things they are doing. It was an amazing experience. Anna (his music therapist) usually has one other boy with Ryan but he was not there this day. Ryan sang, danced and just...shone. He was in a happy place. His speech was clearer than ever. He asked Anna to sing a song, and when she began playing the guitar, he 'shushed' her and said that he wanted to sing it himself. He sang in perfect pitch. I couldn't stop the happy tears from falling down my cheeks.

Chiropractor

While we were at the Autism Speaks Walk Now For Autism in Minneapolis this year, Ryan saw a booth that had a model of a spine on it. He asked to go see the bones, so we went to check it out. The booth was that of a Neurological Chiropractor. Ryan asked the doctor about the bones and he squatted down to Ryan's level and began to explain to Ryan what the spine is, what it does etc. The model had nerves sticking out of it and the doc was holding them and telling Ryan what they did.
Doctor: Do you know what this nerve does? (which made laugh...) It helps to control your lungs. Do you know what your lungs do?
Ryan: They help you to breathe.
Doctor: That's right! Do you know what this nerve does?
Ryan: No.
Doctor: This one helps control your heart.
Me: Ryan, it helps your heart to beat.
Ryan: And it helps you to love.

The doctor and I looked at eachother and smiled and laughed. I had tears in my eyes and I said "yes, Ryan that's true" and the doctor (after being speechless for a moment) said "that's right, buddy, that's right." Then he said that he was going to use that with his patients.
These are the moments that I cherish about Autism. The pure innocence. The untainted thought process. Ryan knows that your heart helps you to love. It only makes sense. And I know my heart was overflowing with love that day.

Diversity

I have always been an advocate for diversity. I've always hated race, gender, religious, and sexual orientation jokes. And after my son was born, I became a strong advocate for those with disabilities of all kinds. I truly believe that God created us in all shapes, sizes, and colors. He gave us all different views, different way to express love and different gifts to offer to the world.
There has been so many children who have taken their lives based upon the fact that "other" kids make them feel "different". What I want to scream is WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT... all of us!! White people are all different...Christian people are all different...Gay people are all different. We are different in so many ways. But we are ALL the same. Every person that walks this Earth is the same. We ALL love. We ALL hurt. We ALL want to be happy. This sameness is what makes our differences beautiful. My son is "different" but yet...he's BETTER in many ways. He loves unconditionally. He doesn't see people with a different skin color than him as anything other than a person. The way he 'sees' this world sometimes blows my mind. And the thought that anyone else could make him feel BAD for being this person that he is, well, it's just maddening. My son has a disability. But he's perfect. I pray that he always knows, really knows, how special and amazing he is because of his differences and that he never feels he's less than anyone else. Because I know for a fact, he's better than most of us. I send my thoughts and prayers out tonight to all those kids who feel different for whatever reason...You are special and amazing. God made you who you are for a reason. Hang in there long enough to let that reason SHINE for all to see.

Behaviors

Ryan has always been...wait...let me start over. Ryan is typically a mellow, easy going, happy child. Years ago when he was a toddler and into age 5 he struggled with his Autism-related issues. He spoke only single words, he had an extremely difficult time transitioning, he would hardly eat any foods, he was very particular about how he wanted things done (to the point where we had to do things several times sometimes to have it done 'just right'), he would meltdown over seemingly simple things, he would self-stimulate, he wouldn't make eye contact, he couldn't hold any kind of conversation, etc etc etc I could go on and on. However, with the intense therapy he's recieved since his diagnosis, I have had the pleasure of watching him blossom into the amazing child he is today. He grew so much in Kindergarten last year. He still struggles with some things but some of the issues and behaviors he had 4 years ago have disappeared completely, or are so rare that it's not worth mentioning. BUT now...now I'm facing a whole new round of behaviors that I'm unfamiliar with. Ryan has become somewhat violent. And defiant. For example, he choked a boy on the bus, he shoved his not-quite-2-year-old sister into a wall, he yells at me, he stomps, he throws things, he bit his sister on the arm... and I don't know how to stop these things, because I have no experience in this area, especially with a child with Autism.
I kind of feel that I may have become slack in my dealing with Ryan. He's been doing so well the last year and a half that perhaps I've let my guard down a bit. But since he's been written up twice at school this year, I need to step up my game again. I have begun reading and researching again. I need to know WHY he is doing these things in order to help him. Some of you may not understand why this is such a challenge in itself. The mind of a child with Autism is a puzzle...it's a maze...it's a mystery. It's finding all these pieces and trying them in this combination, then that combination only to throw half the pieces away and starting over with new ones. Sometimes a child with Autism is hitting because s/he is constipated. Or because s/he is hungry. Or hot. Or mad because someone hurt them and they can't verbally communicate what happened. Or the tag in their shirt is bugging them. THERE ARE SO MANY BIG AND SMALL THINGS that can bother these kids that sometimes we can never figure it out. Most of the time I can with Ryan, especially now that he's pretty verbal...but how does a child tell you why they are frustrated, when they themselves don't even know why.
The trick with Ryan is that I need to help him realize it's OK to be angry, it's OK to be frustrated or hurt or happy or scared or whatever else...but it's NOT OK to hit, choke, slap or bite anyone for any reason. And sometimes, he doesn't even know that he's exhibited poor behaviors. SIGH. It's a giant puzzle. And right now I'm missing the picture that shows me where they go.
But don't worry, Ryan. I'll figure it out. I always do. With the help of the doctors, therapists, books, websites, my Autism mothers who've "been there, done that"...I will put this puzzle together.

Self-Awareness

Ryan spent the weekend with his dad, Casey. He and I were talking today about a few things regarding Ryan, and he said "Oh, there was a story I forgot to tell you. We were on our way to my parent's house and Ryan asked me out of nowhere, 'Dad, what's Autism?'". I asked Casey how he responded and he replied "Well, buddy, it's when a person learns differently than other people" and Ryan said "I have Autism, right, Dad?" Casey said "Yes you do, buddy", to which Ryan said "Oh, okay".

I can't tell this story without crying. He is growing up. He is becoming AWARE. To some, this isn't a big deal, but to a child on the spectrum...it's what can set him/her apart from other children. To my son, he hasn't always noticed what is going on around him. He doesn't look out the window and wonder what people are up to, or where they are going. He sits and tells his Lego Woody doll all the lines from Toy Story 3. So to have a moment where he seems so CONNECTED...its priceless. But then again, it scares me to my core.

Knowing that he has Autism, does that mean he knows he's different? Do the other kids in his class notice? Do they tease him? Does he KNOW that they are teasing him? Do they take advantage of him? All these fears are swirling in my head. I want to protect him. I want to sheild him from this horrible world. I want him to know, to his core, that he is the most special, beautiful amazing person ever to grace this world. I want him to know that he is MORE than Autism; he is Ryan.

But more than any of that, I want the world to know...to know that he IS amazing, beautiful, perfect in all the ways that it is flawed. He doesn't hate, or hurt, or look down upon you. He hugs you and loves you and wants your love back. Please, World...Please don't hurt my baby. He doesn't deserve it.

Clara VS Ryan

SO...
apparently sibling rivalry begins early. Clara is 21 months old and has figured out that certain things and behaviors irritate the heck out of her brother Ryan. I know this happens in every household with more than one child, and its perfectly normal. However, Ryan doesn't understand.


(this was a post I began a long time ago...so much has changed, yet so much remains the same.)

Summer

Many people believe that summer vacation is a time of fun and joy for their kids. Not mine.
Not that Ryan doesn't enjoy summer, he loves being outside and playing. What doesn't seem to agree with Ryan is the lack of schedule. He is overly moody, he's lost interest in doing certain things, he's not eating as well...I completely attribute this to not having the regimented schedule of school. During the school year, its up at 6:45, eat breakfast, get on the bus, go to school, get back on the bus, come home, go to therapy, play, watch a little TV or do other activity, eat supper, take a bath, go to bed. EVERY day. He thrives on this type of schedule. The school told me this year he didn't need to attend the summer school program because he was functioning so well in his classroom. But based on this year's reaction to lack of schedule, I'm going to request that he attend the summer program next year.

Goggles

So for a kid with sensory issues, Ryan has really taken to wearing goggles. He wants to spend hours in the tub, looking underwater with his goggles. I hear him talking to himself, reciting Finding Nemo, or searching for sharks. It melts my heart to hear him 'pretend', a concept that is hard for many kids with Autism. Its literally taken Ryan 7 years to learn to play pretend. So thanks to Grandpa for buying the goggles that helped lead Ryan down a path of growth :)

Baseball

Ryan is playing baseball this summer! He joined a 'special needs' baseball team called the FM Challengers. The first day went okay...he was excited but unsure of what to do. There were a lot of kids running around and the volunteers weren't to sure of themselves either! He got a red t-shirt that had been left over from last year. He hit the ball from a pitch and got to play first base! They have snacks and lemonade afterward. The second day was not as good. They passed out this years t-shirt, which is black. Ryan didn't want to wear the black shirt, he wanted the red one. OKAY. Pick your battles, right? They were doing pictures that day for his 'baseball card' and so halfway through the game, I was trying to convince Ryan to change into his black shirt for the picture. He finally wore it over his red one, and took it off right after the photo (which turned out really cute, btw!!). The next couple weeks went great. He is hitting amazingly, playing first base, running all over the field to get the balls. There is one young man volunteer who has been helping Ryan and who Ryan seems to really enjoy. They play catch together. Its really fun to watch. Two weeks ago Ryan got his baseball cap. He's hardly taken it off since! I wasn't sure that he would like the hat, he normally doesn't. He looks like such a BASEBALL PLAYER wearing his hat, it brings tears to my eyes. Ryan has been doing so well and improving, that I'm considering possibly enrolling him in a neurotypical baseball league next year.

Valley Fair

Ryan has been to Valley Fair (a Six Flags type amusement park in Minneapolis, MN) with his father three two or three times. This past weekend was the first time he and I have been able to go together. I know he enjoys carnival rides and roller coasters but I didn't know it was to the level it was!! He was very excited to get there and actually had a lot of patience, which impressed me. It was a grey, dreary day but that turned out to be a blessing- not many people are willing to brave the rain :) We had my friend's 3 year old with us and he and Ryan spent the first part of the day going on the smaller rides. Finally, it was time to ride the big rides. This was my first time at this park, and it had been many, many years since I've riden these types of rides, so I was almost as excited as Ryan! We decided on "Wild Thing" as our first coaster. As the name suggests, it was one wild ride!! It was a "thrill" coaster- Ryan grabbed my arm and smiled the entire ride. Seeing the pure joy on his face was priceless. We rode many rides that day and it was by far one of the most fun days I've had with Ryan. The next day we went to the Mall of American and ate at the Rainforest Cafe. I'd really wanted to eat there and I thought Ryan would get a kick out of it. For those who don't know, it looks like a rainforest inside, it "rains" and smokes and there are monkeys, butterflies, frogs and other simulated wildlife there as well. Its really a cool place! Ryan LOVED it. It would 'thunder' and 'lightning' and then the rain would fall and the smoke would rise. After lunch, we went to LegoLand. Again, Ryan was well behaved and happy. THEN he saw Nickelodeon Land (or whatever the real name is) and he wanted to ride the roller coaster. Mike and I decided we wanted to ride one too. So we bought one ticket each and we walked to the biggest, twistiest one we could find. Suddenly, Ryan wouldn't take another step. He kept repeating "I don't wanna go on there" and "lets try that one", pointing to a smaller roller coaster. I kept asking what was wrong, why don't you want to go on this one. I was so shocked because after Valley Fair, I didn't think he'd have any problems with anything and this one was quite a bit smaller! It took over 5 minutes of talking and then Mike and I gradually walking in before we finally figured out what was wrong. He thought he was going to hit his head on the ceiling. The coaster starts out with a completely vertical climb to a nearly vertical fall, and the top looks like its close to the ceiling (obviously its not). Ryan felt like since this tall coaster was inside, we must hit our heads on the ceiling going over the top. I kind of laughed in relief to finally figure out what was bothering him, and calmly explained that he would NOT hit his head. He bounded up the stairs and had a great time on the ride.
Then it was time to leave. My parents were at home waiting on us and we had a 4 hour drive in front of us. Ryan cried, screamed and pulled on my arm for the next hour and a half. He wanted to ride more roller coasters and he wouldn't listen to me as to why we couldn't. He threw himself on a bench at the Mall and cried. People were looking at us, but how do you explain? "My son doesn't understand why we can't keep riding the roller coaster"... Once we got on the Interstate, he fell asleep. We drove for about 45 minutes before stopping for gas. He woke up, immediately started crying and whining about the roller coaster. What on earth!! So I bought him some gummy worms and again explained that Grammy and Grandpa were waiting for us. He finally calmed down. That was one of the best trips ever, but it reminded me again that we still have to be very careful about what we do with Ryan. In this situation, riding NO roller coasters would have been better than riding ONE. *note to self*

Haircuts

Ryan recieved his first haircut at a typical age (around a year??) and it was uneventful, as where the next couple. Then Ryan turned 2. Haircuts became a source of anxiety, fear, and stress. I couldn't take Ryan to get a haircut without help, because it took two of us to hold him down, restrain his arms and legs and hold his head straight. There is a salon that caters to children here in Fargo called Lil Whipper Snippers. This place has chairs designed for kids, little tv's that play movies or video games, bubbles that blow from the ceiling, fun designs on the walls, toys etc...everything that should put a child at ease and entertain them during a 5-10 minute haircut. Not Ryan. His dad or step-dad had to hold him on their lap, legs wrapped around his, and holding his arms crossed around his body. Then I had to hold his head so the (wonderful, patient, amazing) stylist could attempt to cut his hair. He would SCREAM, cry, thrash, kick, and bite. We all would be covered in hair, his sticking to his face and neck because he was so sweaty from fighting it. His eyes and cheeks would be red for a day or two because he would burst blood vessels. I would tip her $10 and leave ashamed, embarrassed and devestated for Ryan, that such a small thing (in my mind) could be so incredibly awful and traumatic for him. They would try to reassure me that he wasn't the only kid that had these issues, but I couldn't believe that. I thought he was the worst they'd ever seen and they were trying to be polite. After 3 years of this, I gave up. I gave up on the thought he would ever get used to it, I gave up the thought of him having a cute and stylish hairstyle, I gave up a little bit on him.
Then we started cutting his hair during Occupational Therapy. He was able to hold the shaver, and cut his own hair, with me finishing up the uneven parts. He made such huge gains when he had control over the situation. He still hated the hair falling on his face, arms, back, neck and chest but he was learning to tolerate it. He also started to realize that it was a lot better when he sat still. So we continued this way for over a year.
A couple months ago, I thought it might be time to try the salon again, since he'd been doing so well at home. I asked him first, if he thought he'd like to go there and sit in the chair and have someone cut his hair. He said yes, and was very excited about it. I made the appointment with high hopes! When we arrived, Ryan was very happy and excited, while I was nervous and hopeful. Overall, it went fairly well. He still had some issues but he was able to sit alone and receive a decent haircut!! I was very proud of him. Then last week we went to the salon again for his summer haircut. I was completely blown-away by Ryan during this haircut. He sat and played the Shrek video game throughout the whole cut. He politely told Bridget that he didn't want her to spray his hair with water, and so they compromised with her spraying her hand and wiping in his hair instead. This was fine with him. By the end, he had a spikey hair-do with blue paint gel on the tips!!! HOLY COW...
All things in time.

Echolalia

Ech-o-la-li-a:
1. Psychiatry The involuntary and immedate repetition of words or phrases just spoken by others, often a symptom of autism or schizophrenia.
2. An infants repetition of the sounds made by others, a normal occurance in childhood development.

Ryan's first speech was all echolalic. He repeated songs, phrases but more often, movies. He could repeat whole dialogs from movies after watching them one or two times. But he couldn't tell me about what he'd eaten for breakfast or what he had done over the weekend. It was heartbreaking. He could speak physically, there was nothing wrong with his ability TO SPEAK but he couldn't have a "normal" conversation. He couldn't express himself. He couldn't ask me for something or tell me what he wanted. He had some functional language but he was basically unable to communicate.
That was 3 years ago.
Since we began intensive Speech and Occupational Therapy, Ryan has made such huge strides in his abilities to function. He can talk fairly well, but its at a much younger age level. He speaks more like a 3-5 year old than an almost 7 year old. But that's GREAT!! I love the way he's grown and changed in the past few years. He's a very sweet and caring boy, and loves expressing those feelings. But the echolalia is still there, though not nearly as much. I notice it the most right away in the morning. I haven't figured out yet what exactly is the trigger, but I'm assuming it's his way of collecting himself for the day. Some people shower, shave and drink coffee, some people read the newspaper and eat cereal, Ryan recites movies. This is actually one of the hardest things for me to deal with Ryan. I'm not sure why. It drives me absolutely NUTS. I HATE HATE HATE it. I don't know why...
Perhaps I feel like it's a small step backwards in his language development. Perhaps its the fact that he still has to use the echolalia as a calming activity. Perhaps I'm just tired and extra cranky in the mornings. I notice that when he's worked up or agitated or he just can't find the words, he uses the echolalia. That doesn't bother me. Its the morning time that does. He is happy, rested, calm, ready to start the day. Then why does he NEED the echolalia?? I will probably never really know but its these little mysteries that make Autism so challenging.

RedHawks Game

Eric's choir from school was singing the National Anthem at the semi-pro baseball team's game last night and we decided to make a night of it. Eric met with his classmates before the game and Mike, Ryan and I went up to get our seats and eat some hot dogs. From the moment the we left the car, Ryan was a giant bundle of excitement. It was as if every cell in his body was moving in a different direction. This was cute for about two minutes, when it didn't calm down. We walked past the playground area they have set up for busy children and he talked up a storm about it (Can we play on that? LOOK LOOK LOOK MOM LOOK MOM can we play??) while he was bouncing and jumping around. I told him we could play later, and we proceeded to the concourse area. He then told me all about every booth we passed. "LOOK MOM LOOK MOM DOUGHNUTS" "hey, there's Hawkeye""Look mom, he has popcorn! Can I want some popcorn? Please mom can I want some popcorn? Mom Mom..." (you get the idea) He was utterly abuzz with excitement. We were looking over the menu and deciding on what to order, while Ryan chattered and asked for popcorn incessently until I had to bend over, hold his shoulders and say "Ryan, honey, we are getting popcorn but you NEED to calm down". He was a little quieter but still bouncing.
We got our food, then went and sat down. Ryan marveled at all the advertisements on the back wall, talked about the clouds, and since the field is close to the airport, LOVED talking about and watching the planes flying by.
And then he saw the blow-up bouncy game. Oh lord!! He would not stop talking about the "Hawkeye" themed game. It was directly behind our seats so I let him walk down to it and play while I carefully observed. He walked up to the man keeping an eye on things, and just stood. The man said, "You can go in". Ryan then took off his shoes, stood up and said, My name's Ryan". The man said "I'm Colby, man". Ryan saluted him and said in an excited voice, "Nice to meet you!" then ran into the bouncy game. I choked back tears and beamed with pride. He handled the situation well on his own, AND he was polite about it. There was a minor melt-down when it was time to leave the game, but I averted it but giving him some choices. Shoes on now or when we sit down? Walk up these stairs or those? ...hey, its the little things :)
He got his popcorn and watched the game for a little while but then wanted to play on the playground. He did amazing, and I'm very proud of him.

Talking Cereal

The way my day begins is completely up to Ryan. Some days he loves waking up, doesn't fight is teeth being brushed and is fairly quiet while eating breakfast. Other days he wakes up, fights getting dressed, tries to keep his mouth shut so I can't brush his teeth and his echolalia is out of control. These are the frustrating mornings. Nothing is right for him. I wish I knew what the problem was so that I could fix it.
Today was a good day. He was happy and telling me stories as he got dressed. He was excited about his plaid shorts and his brown "pocket shirt" (Its a t-shirt with a pocket- apparently the coolest thing ever!!). He brushed his teeth without issue. I bought a box of rice krispies the other day because I have some marshmellows and I was thinking about making treats. I don't particularly care for rice krispies (or any other tiny size cereal, too hard to eat LOL) so I'm sure I've never bought it before, at least not for eating in a bowl with milk. So, as I pour the milk, I figure Ryan may get a kick out of this "talking" cereal.
"Ryan, listen! The cereal is talking to you!!"
He looks at me with questioning eyes, then looks at the bowl, then looks back at me.
"Talking cereal, momma?"
"Yeah, can you hear it?" I motioned for him to get closer, though the popping sounds were quite clear. He put his face very close to the bowl and listened for about 10 or 15 seconds.
"Hello, cereal. How are you today?" I couldn't help but smile. Then he paused.
"Hmm, that's nice. I love you, cereal." He was actually conversing with his rice krispies!! When Eric came upstairs, Ryan called excitedly, "ERIC! This cereal is TALKING!" Eric looked at me, and I smiled a big, teary smile and shrugged. He looked back and Ryan and said "cool".
Its a good day.
:)

Small Differences

Since Ryan was my first child, and because of his special "issues", I have been marveling in the differences between him and my younger babies. Clara, 18 months, is a crazy maniac!! She gets into everything and is messy and deviant. Ryan was content to sit in his swing, or play on the floor. He never once tried to open a cupboard door or climb up the back of the couch to get something off a shelf. He wasn't curious. He didn't want to explore. His world was right in front of him, and probably a lot in his own head. I always thought he was "so easy". Clara makes me realize what other parens had always talked about with toddlers...Autism isn't always a curse ;) But there is more than that too. Clara LOVES having her teeth brushed. It is STILL a struggle with Ryan- though its much much better now. Clara LOVES taking a bath, which Ryan does too, but washing her hair is so easy...Ryan would fight it with all his might. Clara is already getting interested in potty training...Ryan was over 6 before he pooped regularly on the toilet, and he still has an accident occassionally.
Its amazing to think of these small differences in my children, and how I wouldn't change them, even if I could.

What is PDD-NOS?

Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS) is a condition in which some, but not all features of Autism are identified. There is impairment of social interaction, communication, and/or setreotyped behavior patterns but full features for Autism are not met. There are no specific guidelines for diagnosis provided with PDD-NOS. While deficits in peer relaions and unusual sensitivies are typically noted, social skills are less impaired than in Classic Autism. The lack of definition for this group of children presents problems for research on this condition. Children with PDD-NOS ae usually diagnosed later than children with Classic Autism and intellectual deficits are less common. Children may appear unemotional when interacting with others, have trouble holding eye contact or have trouble transitioning from one activity to the next. It is thought to be a "milder" form of Autism, though this may not be true. One symptom may be minor, while another may be worse. Because PDD-NOS is harder to define than Autism, therapy can be tricky. A "one-size-fits-all" approach usually doesn't work. Some treatments typical for a child with PDD-NOS include, but are not limited to : behavioral regimens, including play therapy, Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA), sensory integration therapy, etc, medications, including anti-depressants and Social Skills training.

On a more personal note:
Ryan's "symptoms" (I HATE that word!!) are more subtle than many children with either PDD-NOS or Autism. He has little to no physical 'stims' (stimulations) unless he is angry, sad, upset or stressed out. The 'flapping' that is a classic trait of Autism only shows its self in Ryan during periods of stress. For example, a couple weeks ago we waited for TWO hours for Ryan to get his face painted (a full-face Spider-man) and during this time, he jumped, flapped his hands and asked for dee-pressure. Deep-pressure on his shoulders and head help 'ground' him, it can be a physical treatment for an emotional stess. This kind of behavior isn't typical of Ryan.
Ryan does have difficulty transitioning, but this is something he has worked on in Occupational Therapy (OT) for 3 years now. General tranisitions are much better now, with ones occuring at home almost seamless. However, changes in routines, or sudden transitions that aren't expected result in huge meltdowns or tears. One example of this would be that typically after school, Ryan comes home, comes in the door, gives me whatever he has in his backpack and then we may read his library books, play, watch a movie or he may play on his own, depending on what we have going on that day. If I need to go to the grocery store or if we have an appointment of some kind that requires us to get in the car after school instead of coming inside, Ryan will cry, display anger by yelling, screaming, throwing things or he will lean his head against the window and ignore everyone. This usually lasts about thirty minutes, sometimes less if he realizes the place we are going is a fun place. Transitions can be hard for Ryan with things as small as the order he puts his clothes on. It is always underwear, pants, shirt and socks. There can be not deviation without a struggle.
Many children with Autism have issues with peer interaction (interaction in general, actually!!) and socialization. Ryan has this to a much smaller degree. A couple years ago, he wouldn't play with another child AT ALL. He wouldn't even acknowledge that child was there. But with intensive therapy, he's really come a long way and now truly enjoys other children. He has a wonderful time at school and about three weeks ago he told me a story about Lauren. She had a loose tooth. I asked him if she was his friend. He looked at me and said, "Yes, my best friend". I hugged him to me and cried. It may seem silly, but Ryan had never talked about having a friend. It has been almost 7 years coming. Ryan is extremely loving and caring. He admits freely that he loves someone and enjoys hugging and kissing people...sometimes even strangers :)

Rules are Rules. Except When They Aren't.

Ryan's brain is so literal. He sees things black and white, cut and dry. Rules are very easy for him to follow, for example, but he cannot comprehend "exceptions" to the rules. Clara, my 18-month old, was playing with our old cordless phone. It wasn't connected anymore and I didn't care if she wanted to walk around with it, pretending to talk. Ryan couldn't understand how the rule of "phones are not toys, we don't play with the phones" could be overlooked. So he proceded to try to take the phone from her and when she threw it on the floor, he kicked her in the stomach. He wasn't trying to hurt her. He just doesn't understand.
This is going to be a struggle for me, because having two little ones (currently 18 months and 4 months) means that a lot of things are going to go against the grain of Ryan's way of thinking. The majority of his speaking is "Clara's got that", "Clara's going to get that", "Clara, give me THAT",etc. I was reading him a book after school today, and he couldn't focus because he was watching what Clara was doing, watching for her to break the rules. What am I going to do when Nicholas starts getting into things?!? How do you explain that rules are rules...except, sometimes they aren't?

The Beginning

I never thought I'd be a blogger. I also never thought I'd be the mother of a child with Autism. Now I'm both!!
My son Ryan has been diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified (referred to at PDD-NOS from here on). Autism is a Pervasive Developmental Disorder. It is a "spectrum" disorder. That means that every single individual with this diagnosis is completely unique. That also means that it's extremely difficult to define "Autism". I plan on posting a more technical entry, for those interested, so I won't get into that now.
I hope to speak in honor of my son. I want to share what it's like for him on a daily basis (well, maybe not daily...lol) and also what it's like for me, and the other people in our lives. I encourage comments and feedback, as I am very, very new to this!!