Fairness

I know that I feel very guilty sometimes. I know other moms feel it too. It's that often joked about 'mother's guilt'. However, when you have a child with special needs and that child has siblings, you are gifted a whole new variety of guilt. Children with Autism require SO MUCH attention, in SO MANY different ways. They have therapies to attend multiple times a week, they need to be watched every second, they need extra attention to learn life skills, they need help accomplishing tasks, doing homework, going to the bathroom, they need constant reminding...in short, they need a LOT of attention. And that's not just from mom and/or dad. They get people that come to the house to spend time with them, they have people that take them fun places, schools provide free tickets to local events, they have special movie showings, everyone is a bit more lenient and understanding.... They are treated a bit differently than the other typically developing children in the household.

And we mothers have guilt.

We feel bad that the other children have to take the backseat sometimes. Once in awhile the sibling's special event is forgotten or is unable to be attended. They are asked to pick up the slack. "Hey, grab your little sister." "Can you pick those up?" "Can you please take these to the sink?" "Please, can you be quiet for just a minute??!!"

When the siblings are older, it is probably a little easier to explain. Though, it doesn't always mean they like it or understand it. When the sibilings are younger, it might be easier because this is how it's always been. They don't know a life without Autism. Doesn't mean they like it or understand it either, however.

I watched a video in class today about Specific Learning Disabilities (unrelated to Autism). The video was filming an excerise for parents, teachers, professionals and friends of people who have LD (learning disability). It was a great video that showed what it might be like for a child in a classroom who has LD. But what struck me the most was a point at the very end of the video.

The teacher in the video asked the group to define 'fair' or 'fairness'. He asked them to look up what the definition was in the dictionary. Fairness doesn't mean that everyone gets the same thing; it means that everyone gets what they need. He spoke a bit about what this means for a child with disabilities in the classroom but then he brought this point around to siblings.

He said that parents often worry about how the treatment of their child with a disability will affect their other children. Parents wonder if it's "unfair" to give this child extra attention, extra money, or provide additional resources for that child, when the other children are not receiving the same things. He said it is FAIR to give each child what they need. Reminding sibilings that 'I would do the same things for you if you needed them' is all a parent must do.

I felt a slight weight lifted from my shoulders today. It isn't FAIR that Ryan has Austim and the other children don't...but it IS fair to provide him with all he needs. And my other children will get all they need in this life as well.

Love.